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"Queen of Mean" Lisa Lampanelli

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by Scott Kearnan
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A heart of gold

"I don’t make fun of people I genuinely hate, like the French and all the Europeans who think they’re smarter than us. If you make fun of people you actually don’t like, it comes off badly. So yeah, I only hurt the ones I love. It’s a beautiful thing."

And believe it or not, Lisa Lampanelli loves pretty much everyone. She might delve into racial humor, but black guys are also her preferred dating pool even if she can rarely hold on to one: "I don’t know what it is about the colored, they always escape me like it’s The Amistad."

She loves the gay community, too. Gay men, especially, including her best friend (lovingly referred to as Gay Faggot Wendell), who once toured with her as an opening act. "All my friends are gay men and straight women," she says. "I have no use for a straight guy unless they’re hot and black."

She also thinks she knows why gay men love her.

"I have two theories," she explains. "One thing is that faggots love me because they think I’m a drag queen ... they think I’m tucking it with duct tape. They think I’m a drag queen, I’m like, ’Cool!’ I [also] think they like me because every gay man really wants to be a big-titted brazen broad. That’s what you all want to be, admit it!"

"I’m a freaking sweetheart," she adds. "Most people don’t realize I have a heart of gold. They don’t know what lurks inside Lisa
Lampanelli’s snatch."

Guilty as charged?

"I think gay men have a better sense of humor because they either have enormous amounts of self-love because they’ve been to therapy, or huge self hate because they’re fags and their parents hate them."

Lampanelli hopes the gays show up in droves for her Boston shows. In fact, before she transferred to Syracuse University to study journalism, she spent her first year of higher education at Boston College. She left because of the lack of diversity (no, seriously).

"It was too many Catholic white people," she says. "If I wanted to be around them I would have stayed in Connecticut."

But wait, a good Italian girl like Lisa Lampanelli had too much Catholicism in her life?

"Let me tell you something," she says. "I had the nuns and my mother. Then I had the priests. The only hot looking one was Father Guiliani; when I was 12 I was horny for him. I cut the communion line to go to him instead of the old priest with the face that looked like roast beef. Other than that, I have no use for the church."

Besides her trip to Boston, Lampanelli is excited for a few other projects on the horizon: her autobiography - "Chocolate, Please" - will be published this fall ("It sounds like a list of all the black guys I’ve banged," she says), and she’s about to shoot the pilot for a weekly HBO show, executive produced by Jim Carrey.

Though she’s built an empire as "Queen of Mean," Lampanelli admits she does have a soft spot.

"In my cunt," she says. "No, no. They say I’m like a Tootsie Pop: hard on the outside and soft on the inside, I just need to stop telling people to lick me."

In fact, there’s a complicated gal behind the sharp edges and heavy eyeliner.

"My friend told me, ’I have no doubt you’ll be great in your TV show, because you can display all emotions... except happy, you’ll have to learn that,’" she laughs. "Which is totally true, cause I don’t think I’ve ever really been happy."

Never?

"Really happy? Content? Living at peace? Serene? Absolutely not. I’m tortured. I’m always jumping around, trying to do stuff and make [everybody] like me."

"I’m a freaking sweetheart," she adds. "Most people don’t realize I have a heart of gold. They don’t know what lurks inside Lisa Lampanelli’s snatch."

For a few moments, it seems we’ve had a breakthrough. Then, it’s time to go.

"Bye, you big dirty faggot!" And click goes the line.

Bye, you big dirty bitch. I love you, too.









Lisa Lampanelli will appear on Saturday, March 7 at The Wilbur Theatre (246 Tremont St., Boston). Shows at 7 p.m. and 9:45 p.m. For more info and tickets, visit lisalampanelli.com or ticketmaster.com.

Copyright Bay Windows. For more articles from New England's largest GLBT newspaper, visit www.baywindows.com

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